12/10/15

When I sold a controlling interest in my first company way back in 2008, I ended up partnering with Wall Street sharks from corporate America and oh what lessons I learned as a streetwise entrepreneur. I went from creating a million dollar company from $350 at my kitchen table to watching so-called business experts wasting $10 Million to make $2 Million. These people spent money like it was water from the tap and they spent it on all the wrong things.

The venture capital group that took over my company hired a bunch of corporate hacks from large corporations based on their resumes and college degrees. None of these corporate robots ever started a business from scratch and their knowledge came from reading books and spending other people's money. Within months of working within their corporate circle, I jumped ship, but I learned lots of lingo that MBAs use to sound important in a corporately constipated environment. I call it the Corporate Constipation Dictionary...

FYI - I did start a second company called Greensations and we're kicking the ass of my old company with Sinus Plumber capsaicin nasal spray....


Corporate Constipation Dictionary:
1: Teeing Up
Example: “Can you tee that up for me?”
Corporate Meaning: To get a project ready for your manager
True Meaning: To do all the hard work on a project so your boss can take credit for it.

2: Working Remotely
Example: “I won’t be in the office today because I’m working remotely.”
Corporate Meaning: Working from home.
True Meaning: Taking the day off.

3: Action Items
Example: “Give me an excell sheet action items for the project.”
Corporate Meaning: Steps necessary to completing a project.
True Meaning: Ways to pretend you’re actually getting something done.

4: Proposal
Example: “We’ll need a detailed proposal for your idea.”
Corporate Meaning: A plan of action filled with data.
True Meaning: A sure fire way to kill any project before it even gets started.

5: Projections
Example: “Here are the sales projections for Q4.”
Corporate Meaning: Likely scenario based on data.
True Meaning: A guess based mainly on bull shit.

6: Push Back
Example: “Let me push you back on that.”
Corporate Meaning: A sign of disagreement.
True Meaning: To squash an idea forever.

7: Sub-Optimal
Example: “That package is sub-optimal, don’t you think?”
Corporate Meaning: Less than perfect.
True Meaning: Really sucks.

8: Thinking Outside the Box
Example: “We’ve got to think outside the box on this one.”
Corporate Meaning: Coming up with new innovative ideas.
True Meaning: Recycling old ideas and stealing ideas from competitors.

9: In The Know
Example: “You’re in the know on this one.”
Corporate Meaning: To know things only a select group knows.
True Meaning: To know things that really don’t matter.

10: Conference Call
Example: “We’ve got a conference call monday.”
Corporate Meaning: A call in which interested parties discuss important subjects.
True Meaning: A way for management to talk about doing things instead of actually doing them.

11: Learning
Example: “We’d like to get some learning from this venture.”
Corporate Meaning: Using performance data to learn important lessons.
True Meaning: To learn by making lots of mistakes due to past learning.

12: Focus Group
Example: “Lets put together a focus group on this project.”
Corporate Meaning: A group of random consumers used to critique products and concepts without being influenced.
True Meaning: A group of carefully chosen consumers who are questioned in a way that influences the answers.

13: Board Meeting
Example: “We’ll present this at the next board meeting.”
Corporate Meaning: A regularly scheduled meeting to decide the future of a company and review past performance.
True Meaning: A regularly scheduled meeting during which the CEO presents a fictional account of the company’s progress in a colorful power point presentation.

14: Bonus Plan
Example: “The year end bonus will be based on your team goals and company performance.”
Corporate Meaning: A lump sum payment added to salary and based on performance.
True Meaning: A lump sum payment added to salary and based on a bunch of guesses and over complicated hypothetical scenarios.

15: 90 Day Net
Example: “We pay all our bills on 90 day net.”
Corporate Meaning: Official corporate terms of payment.
True Meaning: An unnecessary hold on payment in order to make the company look more profitable in the prior quarter at the next board meeting.

16: Net - Net
Example: “So is that final number, net net?”
Corporate Meaning: Final result.
True Meaning: Final result including all information previously withheld from the rest of the team and the Board of Directors. This also includes lies you’ve made yourself believe.

17: Consultant
Example: “We need to pull a consultant in on this to see what we can improve.”
Corporate Meaning: An outside expert.
True Meaning: An outside expert who does the job top management is supposed to be doing.

18: Agency
Example: “We’re interviewing three agencies to redesign our packaging.”
Corporate Meaning: An outside company used to develop creative concepts around sales and marketing.
True Meaning: An outside company used to keep your team members from actually thinking on their own.

19: Data
Example: “We’ll review the data and decide how to move forward.”
Corporate Meaning: Facts and figures compiled by experts to be used for expanding company growth.
True Meaning: Numbers manipulated by frustrated statistical research grads who sit in a cubicle all day.

20: Incubator
Example: “Lets establish an incubator to get new products on the market.”
Corporate Meaning: A department of creative engineering talent used to develop innovative products.
True Meaning: A department of creative engineering talent used to develop innovative products that will eventually be ruined by middle management and consultants.

21: Email
Example: “I thought your last email said the project would be done today?”
Corporate Meaning: An electronic memo designed to share important information and increase productivity.
True Meaning: An electronic memo designed to spread rumors and misinformation.

22: Miscommunication
Example: “Sorry you got it wrong. There must have been a miscommunication.”
Corporate Meaning: The accidental sharing of inaccurate information.
True Meaning: Getting caught in a lie or sharing information that was never verified.

23: EOB
Example: “We need that by EOB tomorrow.”
Corporate Meaning: The end of the business day.
True Meaning: An unreasonably tight deadline imposed on a project that won’t actually be reviewed for months.

24: Business Lunch
Example: “I’ll be working remotely this afternoon. I have a business lunch with clients.”
Corporate Meaning: A lunch to discuss important business.
True Meaning: A way to waste company money and time to shoot the shit with former colleagues.

25: A Face To Face
Example: “We’re flying to Chicago for a face to face with that agency.”
Corporate Meaning: A meeting help in person to discuss business.
True Meaning: An excuse to take another company paid trip and play the big businessman role to meet about something you can accomplish on the phone.

26: Broker
Example: “The broker will take 8% of every sale.”
Corporate Meaning: A company that distributes manufacturer’s products to stores.
True Meaning: An unnecessary middle-man who drives up consumer pricing by taking commission simply because they play golf with chain store retail buyers.

27: Metrics
Example: “Lets review the metrics to see how we should proceed with that product line.”
Corporate Meaning: Data compiled from specific programs to explain performance results.
True Meaning: A sure fire way to slow progress and over complicate successful sales.

2 comments:

  1. OMG HA! I've heard this shit for years at my job. Always hated it.

    ReplyDelete